Teen summers earlier than the web had been purported to be wild and free, however mine had been largely boring, spent clumsily portray my toenails, consuming Quavers, alone in a rain-battered tent. The one factor that made all of that tolerable was magazines and, extra significantly, teen journal massive summer season quizzes. I, for one, cherished them. Agonising over my solutions, totting up my factors utilizing an unnecessarily advanced scoring system, then studying earnestly what my “summer season type” or “celebration character” was or whether or not I used to be a “nice finest buddy” was nearly as good because it acquired.
And so, in honour of the magazines cherished and gone, I’ve simply wasted spent hours crafting my very own summer season quiz, which I’m calling “What’s your 2025 vibe?” Apologies to aficionados – it’s insufficiently granular for a correct 90s women’ magazine quiz (true masters may craft 20 psychologically probing inquiries to tease out what swimsuit type it’s best to attempt). But when, regardless of everything of the web, you’re bored this summer season, give it a go.
1. You’re caught on the Coldplay jumbotron. How do you react?
a. That may by no means occur for, like, 1,000,000 causes.
b. Immediately begin engaged on a technique to monetise my 5 seconds of fame.
c. Go into remedy.
d. Be part of the Overseas Legion.
2. What’s in your type wishlist for this summer season?
a. Nothing – I’m doing “no-buy 2025”.
b. One thing fishy: I’m having a sardine girl summer.
c. I’m nonetheless looking for barrel-leg denims that don’t make me seem like an precise barrel.
d. I’m plotting the right way to substitute my panama with a cardinal’s biretta. The conclave was a hotbed of “steal his type” temptation.
3. What would Donald Trump submit about you on Reality Social?
a. “In nice form, lovely, wow!”
b. “Now not HOT.”
c. “A boring and fallacious particular person, very disappointing.”
d. “RUDE!”
4. Which billionaire would you least hate to marry?
a. Invoice Gates – at the very least he’s fairly outdated.
b. Elon Musk – at the very least it’s prone to finish in profitable divorce.
c. Bryan Johnston – at the very least he goes to mattress early.
d. I’ve all the time had a delicate spot for the eccentric Regency rake John “Mad Jack” Mytton. I’m keen on a little bit of bare duck searching.
5. What are you taking?
a. I’m microdosing.
b. Lion’s mane, collagen and ashwagandha.
c. Magnesium, omega-3, vitamin D and statins.
d. Snuff.
6. What’s your present earworm?
a. Take a Break, from Hamilton. If you already know (concerning the wave of TikTok parodies reframing Alexander Hamilton as a wife-hating commitment-phobe), you already know.
b. “Darling maintain my hand … Nothing beats a Jet2 holiday,” ha ha ha (assist).
c. Earworm is definitely my nickname for my tinnitus.
d. A nightingale singing in Berkeley Sq..
7. You have half-an-hour to spend on LinkedIn. What do you do with it?
a. Search for a job.
b. Search for a brand new job.
c. Publish 400 AI-crafted phrases reframing a minor incident in my little one’s life as a enterprise “lesson”.
d. Have a look at buxom women.
8. What’s your summer season tipple?
a. New-gen alcopops.
b. Adaptogenic ’shroom espresso.
c. Matcha lattes. However why are they so pricey?
d. Gin and Dubonnet.
9. What retains you awake at evening?
a. Nothing – I prioritise sleep. Early dinner, a lil’ sleepy girl mocktail, 10mg of melatonin and I’m out.
b. The concern of my Skims face wrap suffocating me.
c. The Horrors. And a herniated disc.
d. Conserving vigil as my wolfhound, Venetia, is because of whelp this week.
10. What’s your new pastime?
a. Birdwatching.
b. Padel.
c. Energy coaching.
d. Passemanterie.
11. Your male accomplice begins hanging out in parks, portray his nails and whisking his personal ceremonial-grade matcha, the contents of his tote bag – feminist idea, John Coltrane information, tampons handy out – displayed round him. How do you react?
a. Critique his nail form: it’s all about short, not almond!
b. Enter him in certainly one of this summer season’s performative male competitions. We would win a bell hooks ebook!
c. Obsessively watch Couples Therapy clips on-line and diagnose him with pathological narcissism.
d. Problem him to a duel.
12. What AI-proof job from the recent Microsoft study of occupations which might be nicely positioned to outlive the robotic revolution would you select?
a. Ground sander. Good scope for Caillebotte-inspired manual labour thirst-trap content material.
b. Prosthodontist (I watch a lot of mouth makeovers).
c. Dredge operator.
d. Roustabout.
13. You’re doomscrolling. What’s the primary focused advert you see?
a. I exploit adblockers.
b. Creatine.
c. An ergonomic Nordic haemorrhoid cushion.
d. I’m not “doomscrolling”. I’m rereading Trollope.
14. What are you almost certainly to launch this 12 months?
a. My exit from all socials.
b. A wellness model.
c. A gardening Substack.
d. A coracle, or probably a skiff.
15. How do you hit your protein targets?
a. I’m all about fibre now.
b. Greek yoghurt with egg-white oats and powdered peanut butter for breakfast, then largely rooster. I generally dream about meals that isn’t white.
c. It’s actually my full-time job – I don’t have time to inform you.
d. Kedgeree, dover sole and the roast beef of outdated England.
16. What situation has your social media algorithm recognized you with?
a. Yesterday it prompt I “really feel lifeless inside”, lol.
b. You title it: ADHD, dopamine habit, Lyme illness, irritation …
c. Crumbling bones and varicose veins (precisely).
d. Gout.
Largely As: Positively futuristic
Wow! You’re so effortlessly, enviably updated you would possibly truly be in 2026 already. Have you ever thought of a profession as TikTok fortune teller?
Largely Bs: Extra 2025 than a Dubai chocolate Labubu
You’re as 2025 because it will get. (You have to be very drained and sad – have you ever thought of creatine?)
Largely Cs: Mid
You’re making an attempt laborious, however it’s not fairly working. Maybe it’s time to confess you’re truly 55 and fairly fancy studying a Richard Osman with a mug of Yorkshire Gold? Matcha tastes like grass cuttings – go on, admit it.
Largely Ds: It’s giving Victorian ghost
Who’re you? A Nineteenth-century nation squire? A Julian Fellowes character? On second ideas, dwelling in a delulu bubble of your personal imagining could be very 2025. Congratulations.